Good For You

Kerry Dunn

Awwww, she brought her boyfriend to girl's night out. They just couldn't be apart! Doll, must your outside source of self-worth piss on my pity party? Ya know what, don't worry about it. Get the man a drink. If something makes you feel better and me worse, I'll always know it's from you. Good for you, babe, good for you.

Oh look, big man in steam pressed suit gets the promotion at the job he hated before even starting. Lots of money though, guys. Now the coffee table which stinks of diluted cocaine and Windexed vomit will proudly come from Williams-Sonoma. The girlfriend that loved you when you were in torn jeans and working autobody would be so proud of the man you've become. Good for you, Boss.

What do we have here? Another casual sprinter converting the park into one more place to compete. In three years, this woman will wish she had wasted those miles eating Chinese food with her friends. Instead she strives to click slender , athletic , and toned at match.com. Sweetheart, your body looked better when it bounced and curved like a woman's should. Your face is tired, your new man secretly prefers dick, and your parents still favor your fat sister. Hey, at least the yellow dress you wear to her wedding will read extra small when you go home and hang it up perfectly spaced amongst the others. Good for you, love. Good for you.

My, oh my, Mr. Intellectual Man. If you had a pussy of your own, at least you could measure your own self pleasure in a more cut and dried way. The book scene at Starbucks was lovely, really. I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer. I pay for the drug that makes me numb to people like you, so I was in sort of a rush. Oh, and the college sophomore who actually wrote the blog that you plagiarized as your new ideals for modern libertarianism, he asked that I tell you to go fuck yourself, and also that you still owe him 80 bucks for that quarter ounce he fronted you in September. Wow. I find your take on life amazing, beautiful, and strikingly see-through. Hey, PhDick, good for you.

Mr. And Mrs. Smith! How long as has it been? Gosh, fifteen years at least! How are my parents, you ask? Oh, they're dead. Yes, both of them. The services were nice. Sorry you guys couldn't make it. Anyway, your house is just beautiful. Mrs. Smith, is this Laura Ashley wallpaper? Oh wait, hold on, never mind...I don't care! And neither does anyone else, you poor soul. Good for you though. But seriously, if you get tired of weeping at the life and dreams you gave up to do everything for your unappreciative family, you can always find me at Target or Marshall's. You can buy me something nice, maybe it'll make us both feel better.

Oh, hi! It's one of many friends that have no idea who I really am! How are you?! Last night was so much fun, huh? My favorite part was the dance sequence when I had you and everyone else staring at my sex convinced that this makes me happy. Oh, what's that? You think my drinking is getting a bit excessive and it's causing you great distress? Good for you, Teresa. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you. Do you worry that I have no job, no one that truly understands me, and very tattered reasons to live? Do you worry at night that while you're on your knees putting a down payment on Scott, I'm on my knees bargaining with the Devil? Try not to worry about the four dollar wine, babe. I only drink it to better swallow the pills anyways. Save your concern for someone who gives a shit. Better yet, go volunteer at a battered women's shelter or a local emergency room. Then we'll see what kind of torment you are really capable of. Great to see you though, girl. Talk to you soon!

Sir, hi, excuse me? Hi. I noticed you noticing me from across the room in which we were deliberately left. You look nearly as desperate as I do. Good for you. Truth be told, I am in love with three other men, including your roommate, but let's not get too caught up with what either of us really want. If we both block our ears, close our eyes, shot gun a Red Bull, and snort a Zanax, I think we may create destiny. So whad'ya say there, stranger? You'll settle for the most incredible woman on the planet? Terrific, she'll settle for you too. Nothing like admitting true love is even more of a laugh than true life.

Hey!!! God!!! How the hell are ya, you call-screening, world-ending, heartbreaking, deadbeat dad motherfucker? Shit, I've missed you, bud! I mean, what's new? Ruin any lives lately? Starve any children? Infest any continents with terminal disease? Any thoughts on the societal spirit in general? I see you've chosen to replace air with pain as the one common human denominator. Had any chance to chisel away at the last few of us left that actually believe? Hey, the sooner the better, man. The very moment I discover that you don't exist—or worse: that you do—I will drive so fast off the Tobin that I may just be able to create a Heaven of my own doing the first thing in my life free of fear, and full of peace. Good for me.