The Wonderbread Passion

by

Christopher Woods

 

     

IRENE
Thank you, but that was twelve years ago.

MARIA
Then I'm sorry to be so late in offering my condolences.

IRENE
Oh, stop it! You didn't even know me then. And you certainly didn't know my mother, God rest her skin.(slight pause, then dreamily) I like to think that Mother still lives within these massive stone walls. Please, Marisella, allow me to share more of the history of this sacred place with you.

(IRENE begins walking, MARIA following her)

IRENE (con't.)
As you can see and feel, the chapel transports us into another time. You enter through an arched Gothic doorway of white, Carrera marble. Cool to the touch. The arch is carved in traditional ecclesiastical style. Notice the oak leaf capitals?

MARIA
Yes! They remind me of a chapel in Madrid. We were there on vacation once. Do you know, Miss Goodworth, that was the very first time I had ever eaten the food of my ancestors. (grandly) Pulpo!

IRENE
(Disconcerted) Poo poo?

MARIA
No. Pulpo. Pulpo, Miss Goodworth. Octopus?

IRENE
I am not interested in your vacation memories. Do you understand me?

(She pinches MARIA on the arm)

IRENE (con't.)
I can see it is going to take more than this brief tour to set you straight. Remember that you are not here to offer your opinions.

(She pinches MARIA again)

MARIA
Ouch!

IRENE
You react quite naturally to pain. Always a good sign.

(She pinches MARIA again)

MARIA
(rubbing her arm) You should know that I bruise easily.

IRENE
Really? St. Bartholomew had no skin left to bruise, you selfish girl. Don't you dare whimper. You must be prepared to deal with pain. To appreciate it. Understand the spirit of this place. How can you expect to gain the confidence of patients and their families if you don't know how to suffer with dignity?(beat) Poo poo, indeed.

MARIA
(with a stiff upper lip) I'm sorry to be such a whiner. You're right. I will pray for strength.

IRENE
Pray to St. Bart. He listens well.

(IRENE flips a switch to begin playing music again. It is “the Lord's Prayer,” sung by Jim Nabors)

IRENE (con't.)
(dreamily) Music can be such a comfort. Listen to it, Marisella. Feel it. Music glides on the air and lands on our weary skin. Kissing it, caressing it. Music understands the indignity of combination-skin.

MARIA
(listening) It's beautiful. Who is it?

IRENE
(triumphantly) Jim Nabors! From an album of devotional tunes I ordered from The Franklin Mint. (with pride) I subscribe.

MARIA
(thinking) Gomer Pyle? (beat) Isn't he dead?

IRENE
Is he? I had not heard that.

MARIA
I'm fairly sure about it. I think I read it somewhere.

(Dejected by this news, IRENE returns to her throne)

IRENE
This makes me very sad. So very sad.

MARIA
(at Irene's side, comforting her) Maybe I'm wrong about it. Probably I am. I read about someone else dying. Yes, that's it. I'm sure it was someone else. (beat) Perry Como?

IRENE
Are you sure?

MARIA
(Clueless) Yes.

IRENE
I suppose it could be anyone and I would always be the last one to know. I think so much about the chapel, I find it hard to keep up with the world outside. (beat) We must continue now. You must learn all about the chapel. (points to an imaginary altar) Do you like the altar?

MARIA
Oh, it's almost too much for the eyes.

IRENE
Many say the same thing. The table is made of Botticino marble, and oak. The cross dates back to 1689. The altar itself is carved oak. (Beat) I might mention that one of your most important duties will be to polish the woodwork. Have you had experience as a domestic?

MARIA
A domestic what ?

IRENE
As a maid! Isn't that what you people are best at? Dusting? Polishing? It should come like second skin.

MARIA
I told you, my parents are from Santa Fe. My family is originally from Barcelona.

IRENE
(Dismissive) I'm afraid I'm no expert in South-of-the-border geography. Forgive me.

(She produces a dust rag from her housecoat)

IRENE (con't.)
Let's try something, shall we? Polish that pew.

(She hands the rag to MARIA)

MARIA
(Unsure) You mean, rub it?

IRENE
(Impatient) I said polish! Didn't I say polish?

MARIA
(Hurries to pew, begins rubbing heartily) I don't understand why you want me to...

IRENE
(Descends from throne, goes after MARIA) Stop it! Stop it this very instant!

MARIA
(Backing away, covering her arms) Did I do something wrong?

IRENE
Flagrantly. One should always polish clockwise. To do otherwise can cause the wood to splinter. (to herself) Maybe I would do better with a domestic.

MARIA
(Rolls her eyes) Please, give me another chance. I know I can do this job properly. I'm so tired of candy-striping.

(MARIA tries to kiss IRENE'S hand again, but IRENE pulls away)

IRENE
I must say, I admire remorse in a person. It reflects good stock. Colored or not. Now, try again.

(MARIA polishes the pew, clockwise)

IRENE (con't.)
Yes, that's it. Exactly. Not so rough. Gently. Good. Good.

(There is a noise offstage. IRENE hears it, and suddenly becomes outraged)

IRENE (con't.)
GET OUT OF HERE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO ENTER THE GOODWORTH CHAPEL UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN CURED! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

(IRENE stamps her feet to chase someone away)

IRENE (con't.)
BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING ME LOSE MINE! GET OUT! GET OUT!

(When she is certain that the intruder has gone, IRENE returns to sit, exhausted, on her throne)

IRENE (con't.)
Oh, I must retire soon. This afternoon. Tomorrow morning. My heart can't take much more of this.

MARIA
(Peering out the doorway, she goes to IRENE to try to soothe her) Try to relax, Miss Goodworth. You'll be okay.

IRENE
I wonder.

MARIA
You will. (beat) But, who was that?

IRENE
Chaplain Frazier? He is a beast. He's the chaplain of the hospital. Haven't you seen him before?

MARIA
I remember him now. He got fresh with me once. In a linen closet. In the geriatric wing. I had the feeling he had spent the night in there.

IRENE
He probably had. The man passes out in the strangest places. But the problem I have with Chaplain Frazier is that he thinks this chapel is a bathroom. I tell him it isn't, but he doesn't seem to understand. I must be on the lookout for him, but sometimes he slips in. He leaves his calling card.

MARIA
That's disgusting.

IRENE
Indeed it is. (beat) Oh, I pray for his recovery, or a swift admission to the Betty Ford Clinic.

MARIA
I can add a prayer for him in my own repertoire.

IRENE
That's a wonderful idea. Maybe add two or three prayers. After all, dear, if you assume my position, you'll have to deal with Chaplain Frazier on a daily basis.

MARIA
Maybe I'll offer a novena.

IRENE
That sounds like a wise thing to do. (beat) Now, I think it is time I instructed you in our own ceremonies. As you know, this is an interfaith chapel. I have designed some very special rituals which accommodate most every taste. Are you ready to learn them?

MARIA
(with dread) Of course.

IRENE
Excellent. (beat) Give me a moment.

(IRENE goes offstage, then returns pushing a small cart with a loaf of bread on top. Next to the bread is a whip)

IRENE (con't.)
Now, my dear, we shall perform “The Wonderbread Passion.” Shall we proceed?

MARIA
(with trepidation) I think so.

IRENE
Very good.

(IRENE hands a towel to MARIA)

IRENE (con't.)
This loaf of bread is the body of our Lord. Hold this and receive the infant.

(IRENE places the bread in the towel)

IRENE (con't.)
There. Now, child, rock it.

MARIA
Rock the bread?

IRENE
No, not the bread. The baby. Don't you know where we are now, Marisella?

MARIA
(Confused) I'm not sure. Are we somewhere besides where we really are?

IRENE
Of course we are! We have been transported to Bethlehem. Now, rock the baby gently. That's right. That's quite good, really. (slight pause) But I'm afraid we are already moving again.

MARIA
Are we?

IRENE
Yes, we are moving along through time very quickly now. It is already time for the Passion.

(IRENE takes the whip in hand)
Now, Marisella. Put the bread on the cart. That's it. Yes.

(MARIA puts the bread on the cart. IRENE begins whipping it furiously)

MARIA
Oh, my.

IRENE
(Still whipping) We must do this because we need to be constantly reminded what happened. Here, in this combination-skin hospital, we must always remember that others have had it much worse.

(IRENE whips the bread a bit longer, until she is exhausted. She then hads the whip to MARIA, then goes to her throne to collapse)

MARIA
I don't know if I can do this. I feel so unworthy. (rolls her eyes)

IRENE
You can, and you will. It's time the whip was passed. If you don't learn this, how can you expect to lead the service?

(MARIA begins to whip the bread very lightly)

IRENE (con't.)
WITH PASSION! DO YOU HEAR ME? I WANT PASSION!

MARIA
(Whips more earnestly) Like this?

IRENE
Better. Put your whole body and spirit into it.

MARIA
For how long?

IRENE
Just keep going. I'll let you know.

(MARIA continues. When she becomes tired, she changes hands. After a little while, IRENE calls to her)

IRENE (con't.)
That will be sufficient. You can stop now. I think it's time for the children's sacrifice. We must teach the children well.

(IRENE gets up, pushes the cart offstage. When she returns, the cart has several naked dolls strapped to it)

MARIA
Oh my God!

IRENE
(Whipping the dolls in earnest) This is the way we teach the children about pain and suffering. They must learn that Christ suffered for all their terrible sins.

MARIA
I don't believe this.

IRENE
Your turn, dear.

(She hands the whop to MARIA)

MARIA
(Refuses it) I can't do this! It's sick. What kind of person are you? This isn't a chapel. It's a chamber of horrors!

IRENE
Don't you want to be chapel administrator?

MARIA
I do. You know I do. But this is...

IRENE
(Pops the whip at MARIA angrily) Then do as I say! Now!

(She begins whipping MARIA, who dances around to avoid her)

MARIA
(Afraid for her life) Okay! Give it to me.

IRENE
(Continues whipping MARIA) I'm not finished. Think of all the people upstairs in the hospital. How can you help them if you don't know how to suffer? Some of them with half a face covered by dry skin. The other half like underwater property in Florida. Combination-skin is a curse. A curse! You must understand their pain to help them! (screaming) Look at me! Look at my T-zone!

MARIA
(Reaches for the whip) Please, give it to me. Let me try. I'll whip the dolls.

IRENE
Will you? Tell me, child. Have you got it now?

MARIA
I think so. I pray so.

IRENE
(Still whipping her) Tell, me you've got it and I'll stop.

MARIA
(Wailing, fending off the blows) I don't know. I don't know anything. I think I'm going mad.

IRENE
(Interested) What did you say?

MARIA
(Sobbing, falls to the floor) I said, I think I'm going mad.

IRENE
(Coming near) Ah, then you do have it.

(IRENE drops the whip, then goes to stand behind Maria)

MARIA
It's a miracle.

IRENE
Yes, it must be. Miracles come later for some than for others.

MARIA
Is it over? I mean, I thought you were trying to kill me. I thought I was dying.

IRENE
(Kneeling beside her) Oh no, Marisella. You are so young, my child. You have many years left to live.

(IRENE removes her tiara and places it on MARIA'S head, very ceremoniously)
You will be a worthy successor. I can see it now.

Blackout.

 

 

 





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