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‘Second and Third All My Life’
by
It was six months and fourteen days since
my break up with my boyfriend, well now ex-, then boyfriend.
We’d been together for four years: three years of joy and
one year of desperate “It’s not you, it’s
me.” But enough about then, six months and fourteen days
later: single, in my twenties, and free to go as I please.
Granted, I’ve learned that my definition of
“free” on a Friday night is slipping into my
uncle’s hand-me-down cotton pajamas, eating Chinese food:
boneless spareribs with white rice and sitting in front of my
television set watching the first season of E.R.
Don’t get me wrong; I hadn’t
been a hermit the last six months and fourteen days. There was
the initial three-month period of a guilt-ridden existence.
When I told him “It’s not you, it’s
me,” I was telling the truth. After ninety days of
sitting on my pity-potty and working twelve hour days which, by
the way, is a feat for a starving artist, I began to try my
luck at dating. Luckily for me, I did not have to endure
sharing a fifteen-dollar salad across from someone my
grandmother set me up with. Instead, all my first date wanted
to do was watch World Tournament Poker on his couch. The sad
part was that he didn’t even make any moves on me which
would certainly have made up for eight hours of watching a
bunch of guys flip from watching their “hand,” to
watching other guys watch their “hands.” Yes, I
stayed for eight hours. What can I say? I’m optimistic.
Well I suppose it wasn’t such a horrible way to pop my
dating cherry. After that, one figures, “Can’t get
any worse? Right?” Wrong.
After a quick recovery from my compulsive
gambler-watcher, life threw me bone. Or so I thought. An ex, an
ex-high school sweetheart to be specific, came into the
picture. After our first meeting, I spent a week daydreaming in
the clouds of “We were meant to be together.” But
by the end of the week, I found myself on the corner of her
bed. Yes, it was a woman, a subject to be discussed at a
different time. Anyhow, I’m there, watching her tear
apart her apartment in search of her wallet. She needed
money for her drug dealer. It ended with me staring at the back
of her head and hearing, “ I’ll be back,
okay.” Believe it or not, I considered staying.
Either that or leaving and finding that compulsive
gambler-watcher’s phone number. I figured, “At
least, he wasn’t committing a crime.” I entertained
this thought as I walked towards the train station checking my
wallet.
After couple of weeks and a couple of
sessions with Meredith, my therapist, my gambler-watcher and
addict were mere journal entries of the past. Six months and
fourteen days since my break up with my boyfriend of four
years, two months since my last episode of World Tournament
Poker, and two weeks since my five-day rekindling of an old
flame (who, from last I heard is on a juice-detox diet):
single, in my twenties, and free to go as I please. This is
when I bumped into John Keys. We met two years prior, he had
been an in-class tutor for one of my writing classes and I
hadn’t ever really seen him beyond the confines of his
chair under the florescent university lighting.
“Keys!” I hollered from across the coffee shop he
was about to enter. “Wow,” I thought to myself as
he smiled at me with his more-pepper-than-salt goatee. I smiled
back. Who wouldn’t?
John Keys: six-foot-five, part Austrian,
hazel eyes and a writer. He was breathtaking (sigh).
Despite the delirious trance his presence ignited, I
managed to utter a few sentences. The typical, “How have
you been? - Have you seen so and so? - What have you been up
to?” - conversation happened. Turns out he was now a
professor and was on his way to teach his class. I then
realized I had a class of my own to attend. In the rush of it
all, I managed to actually ask for his e-mail address. In any
other circumstance, with any other person, I would have
probably scribbled his information on a matchbook or a gum
wrapper and manage to lose it with no regret. Instead, I pulled
out a yellow legal pad and a permanent marker. He wrote down
his e-mail, walked away and waved good-bye. I smiled at my
giddiness, humored and relieved that I could still feel this
way after my recent stints with dating. But as I entered the
elevator doors and pressed “8”, I knew that John
Keys was out of my league and that I probably wouldn’t
see him for another two years. “All the best,” I
supposed. “After all, in my imagination I never get hurt.
I’ll keep him there.”
Much to my surprise I arrived home and
e-mailed John. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was
late, I was tired, and I heard a voice say that he was so out
of my league that I wouldn’t have to worry about whether
or not he liked me. I could just e-mail him and perhaps make a
new friend. (Note to self: this voice had other motives).
I wrote:
as promised, i am e-mailing you.
so, what pleasant distractions have been
appearing in your life?
would love to hear about it.
Simple as this note may have seemed, it was
filled with intention. Notice the lower case caps; John is a
writing professor and the lower case caps convey a casual
conversational tone in order to excuse any grammatical errors
on my part. The same reasoning applies to the short sentences.
Note also, the opening line, which reminds him he asked me to
contact him and that I was not stalking him. Staring at my
computer, I debated if I really wanted to set myself up to be
disappointed, by not receiving a reply, or worse yet, receiving
a reply that opened with “Hey kid.” Although I
didn’t know how old he was, he was a professor. Despite
my talking head, I clicked “Send.” Oy.
The next afternoon, I received a reply:
Lovely seeing you too. What are you doing
to distract yourself? What's catching your eye these days? You
mentioned you were avoiding reading by writing. What are you
working on?
“Oh dear,” I thought to myself.
He responded with the words “Lovely” and
“What's catching your eye these days?” I was
flustered, nervous, and excited. His questions weren’t
generic. His inquiries were evidence he was actually listening
to me. He said it was lovely seeing me. I stared at his e-mail
and lost myself in images of him towering over me on the
sidewalk with his collared shirt and backpack. “His eyes
think I’m lovely,” I whispered. This was then
followed by doubt, “This can’t be real. What am I
thinking? It isn’t real. This man just e-mailed me back.
He was being polite. So what if his questions were specific.
He’s polite; he listens. His words are poetic and
fluid? That’s cause he’s a writer, you
idiot!” Despite my mental rants, I replied, five hours
later.
I don’t know what I was expecting and
maybe that’s what motivated me. I didn’t really
expect anything. A little online flirting at most, but nothing
more, right? Wrong. After a week or two of daily e-mails,
filled with words like:
enjoy enticingly delicious
distractions…
Give a shout when one of those
distractions calls you…
I'm sure it'll be possible…
sleep and sweet dreams find you very
soon….
Growing girls require a lot of
both…
gracing me with your presence in my
abode….
John and I met, and met, and met. The
e-mails, his e-mails continued:
Thanks for a wonderful night. It's been
sticking with me…
I'll take you on a Florida beach any
day…
Thanks for a special night
yesterday…
I feel that I am still held in its
particular vibration today…
Every part of me wishes the story ended
here. But it doesn’t. I failed to mention two things.
First, I began to fall for our potential. What John and I could
become. Second, John had a girlfriend. I didn’t know
right away; that I was falling for him, or that he had a
girlfriend of two years. When I did realize these two things, I
pushed them away, aside, inside, whatever. I closed my eyes and
pretended it didn’t matter and that it wasn’t real.
I hadn’t fallen for him and he hadn’t lied to me.
I’d never felt so broken.
No matter how emotionally devoid I tried to
make myself, I couldn’t deny that late-night romances
come to an end. I knew that the romance of late-nights on
rooftops would wear away. I would eventually want to see him in
the light of day. I would eventually cry upon seeing his back
as he walked out my door to catch the last train home. Reality
would set in and I would want more. “But why?” I
thought. “Why couldn’t this work? He’ll break
up with her? He’s just as scared? Or is he? Did he have
anything to lose? Did he even feel the same way?” In a
short time, however, my excuse driven thoughts dissipated,
slowly replaced with pangs of hate and anger. “Why
would he act on something that had the potential to hurt me?
Why did he return my kiss? Why not deny my passes if someone
else had his heart?”
I was torn between wanting to say,
“Fuck it! So what if it isn’t real?” and
putting it aside for the sake of a potential friendship. But
then there was another part of me who wanted to tell him off,
blow smoke in his face and walk away. These voices didn’t
take turns, but rather battled for prominence. After another
one of our late-night romances, which ended with me watching
him melt into the darkness of the street, a thought came to me:
I had not just left a four-year relationship to settle for a
relationship where in which I was going to come second. I have
settled for second and third my entire life, and although my
four-year relationship had come to a screeching halt, I had
learned two things: the capacity at which I could love someone
and the capacity at which I could be loved. But now, how to
practice this?
Lost and confused I turned to where John
and I began. I e-mailed him:
I felt like a whore after you left. I have
been hoping that you’d offer to meet to discuss the
recent events, during daylight hours. I am having a hard time
shaking your presence off, particularly in my home. I am
struggling between not feeling like a stereotype of a woman and
not being treated like shit. I’m not looking to rent a
u-haul, but I’m also not looking to waste my time with
things and people who provoke my insecurities and fears in an
unhealthy manner.
I didn’t bother re-reading it. I
stared at my laptop, closed my eyes, and clicked on
“Send.”
It is now eight months and twenty-nine days
since my break up with my boyfriend of four years, four months
since my last episode of World Tournament Poker, two months and
a week since my five-day rekindling of an old flame, and six
weeks since I bumped into John Keys: single, in my twenties,
and free to go as I please. Waiting for elevator at work, on
the way to lunch, this is when I meet Peter…
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