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‘It’s the Fireflies’
by
This is the fifth night of the fires in the
sky. Five nights of the stars popping up and getting closer and
closer as the skies grew darker. Maybe it's been longer, maybe
the fires have been there longer, and I'm just noticing. They
could have been there my entire life, just watching. Admiring?
Despising? Just being.
The first night I noticed them, my
girlfriend had just killed herself. Not that I knew it at the
time. I was walking home from her house, and I looked up. There
they were. These little orange and blue balls of fire coming at
me from lifetimes away. I stood and stared, there was something
so comfortable and familiar about them. I took in the warmness,
and felt whole. Then everything felt wrong. Everything felt
like shame and guilt. I turned to go back to see if she was
okay.
But I was already there in her apartment,
and she was dead on her couch. She had slit her wrists and
emptied herself out on the new rug I helped her pick out. I
picked the knife up from her palm; maybe I was already holding
it? She couldn't have done this in the bathroom, I wondered, I
can't return the rug now.
No, my girlfriend is dead. I was just
having sex with her. We argued.
"You called me Julia!"
"What? No, no I didn't."
"Yes you did! I heard it! Can't you
even hide the fact that you're cheating on me when you're
coming?"
I ... I got up, put my clothes on. I left.
I know I left. She was crying.
Then, there were fireflies. There shouldn't
have been fireflies in December. No, they're too far away.
Wait... Juli- Madison. I'm... she's dead. What's going on? I
can't...
I'm in my apartment the next morning. Day
breaks like a happy meal toy, and I get the vague feeling
something happened the night before. I don't remember what,
though. Something about Julia. Did Madison find out about us?
I take a shower and after eating and
dressing, I feel compelled to paint. I start to paint something
I call "Funeral Pyre". I don't know why, but I paint
the stars purple. I decided to call Julia.
"Julia, I need to feel you underneath
me. Can we meet?"
"I-I-Why are you doing this?"
"What?"
"ohgod- Please... please
don."
"Julia? What's going on?"
The phone plummets in slow motion towards
the floor. It's night suddenly. The Fireflies are back. They're
staring into my window. As much as stars can stare. Did I spend
all day painting? Where did all the red come from? Why did I
put all this red in the sky?
I'm in Julia's house. I can see sunlight
pouring in through the window. She's under me, smiling.
Breathing. Heavy. I touch her face to see if she's real. I
decide that I can't tell. A blow-up doll may not be a person,
but it's real too, right? I pick up the pace. She likes it. I
go harder.
She starts crying. Am I hurting her? I
don't remember. I wanted her to stop crying. How could I make
her stop?
Then i'm in my apartment again. I didn't
know what was going on. I still don't. As far as I can tell, I
spent the next two nights lying in a ball in front of my
window, staring back at the fireflies as they inched towards me
from heaven. Don't remember turning the lights in my
apartment out, but I don't remember seeing any lights on those
days. I remember having left them on so that I wouldn't be in
the dark.
But it's day five now, and that's all there
is. Dark. None of the lights of the city are burning. They've
all been put out.
There's nothing.
Even the stars have been extinguished.
I languish for eternity. I lay for seconds.
It's all happening right now. It's already done. What's going
to happen? Then I see something. I saw it. Will see it. I don't
know.
It's the Fireflies.
Then I notice the numb warmness on my arms.
I look down, and I just see my wrists. But I feel ... something
on them. Something warm and wet. I'm holding something. It's a
knife, covered in scarlet. Was I painting with a knife?
My skin bursts into sensations I never knew
even existed. The fireflies were here. They were so beautiful.
So so beautiful.
I think I did something bad.
But it's all okay now.
The fireflies are here for me.
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