by

Carissa Halston

 

I want a girl who can wear a bandana and look artistic instead of twelve.

And I mean a bandana, not a triangle of fabric attached to a shoelace.

I want someone who can wear eye makeup without looking like a whore.

That applies to males and females.

I want a girl with long, flowing hair or no hair at all.

And no brunet(te)s!

They're fucking psycho.

Can't have a serious conversation with any amount of levity.

Can't end a relationship without words like "harpy" or "alcoholic."

I want someone who can fill out a pair of jeans but really looks better in nothing at all.

I want dinner and dancing but no arguments when I insist we go dutch.

I want flowers. Take that as you will.

I want something on Valentine's Day that ISN'T chocolate.

I want someone who leaves their eyebrows alone.

That applies to males and females.

I want someone who doesn't enforce their exercise regimen on me.

I swear, it's worse than religion sometimes.

Which reminds me...

I want someone who doesn't care that I'm always discussing:

- sex

- death

- religion

- the hereafter

- or, lack thereof

I want someone who wants to have a post-coital conversation.

I want someone who isn't afraid to talk dirty.

I want someone who swears.

...even in front of their parents.

...especially in front of their parents.

I want someone who doesn't give me shit because I "swing both ways."

It's not because I'm selfish, it's because I'm honest.

I want someone who isn't hung up on how they look.

No false modesty.

No arrogance.

Middle of the road self-esteem.

But they can't be prettier than I am.